Welcome back for another Wednesday Wonderings in last weeks post I discussed how I learnt about defying the expectations that society holds on most individuals when it comes to what we are raised to believe our lives should become by certain ages and before I get into this weeks post I just want to thank you all who took the time to read my post and react through likes and follows as I am very new to blogging and I appreciate each and every single one of you.
So this week I thought I would get a little bit more personal and give my readers an inside glimpse into my life and how much it has changed over the past couple of years but please be warned in advance that this post will include discussions of grief and other subjects you may not feel comfortable with and so if you don’t feel comfortable reading this sort of content I would suggest skipping this weeks Wednesday Wonderings in advance but if not let’s get into things….
Change is inevitable from the choices we make to better our lives and situations to those events that are thrown upon us that are far out of our control as much as I hate to say this due to the past few years of my life but the recent changes in my life both the good and the bad have held such a huge impact on my personal growth and journey into finding myself to the point it has made me stronger as a person and even though the changes are still occurring on a daily basis and things are far from alright right now I am growing stronger with each breath that I take and I couldn’t be prouder of myself for what I have overcome and keep overcoming.
But when did this all truly begin? For me personally my life began to change back in 2018 but before we get into that let me give you a little bit of context of where my life had reached at that point in time before we get onto the changes that have shaped the person I have become today…
In 2013 I had been working as a singer around my local area for the best part of 5 years when I met someone for obvious reasons we shall call him A as I go into this story as it is the first time I have truly opened up about this situation to anyone before and I feel like to move forward I need to start right at the beginning and all of the downward spiral in my life started the day that I met A.
It was early summer and I had gone to my local pub which had recently been taken over by another singer that I knew in the area and his wife and so I headed to welcome them as well as discuss the opening night that I was due to perform at for them later that week when at the end of the bar stood a young man around the same age as me, looking around for the new owners I would learn that the person who had caught my attention happened to be the son of the said owner and so we got to talking and soon enough it was obvious that there was something between us starting.
Over the next couple of weeks we decided to see where things would progress between us and eventually it led to a relationship and at first everything was perfect. For the first couple of years we were extremely close and confided in each other about almost everything and then the day came that he confessed that he was in love with me and it was then that I truly experienced love for the first time and it was wonderful.. no, beyond wonderful. And things were even more perfect as we started to plan our lives together after he would propose marriage to me three years into our relationship and truly I believed that he was the one, that my life was finally where it was supposed to be but that was when it would all start to change.
Around 6 months after we got engaged and our lives became one he started acting extremely weird towards me and would become extremely secretive and I would live this way for almost another two years before calling it closed because I just couldn’t deal with it anymore as not only would he lie to me on a regular basis about who he was with and what he was doing but other things would happen that I won’t go into online but there were countless occassions that I would wake up in the middle of the night to discover him doing extremely inappropriate things.
Obviously I would confide in him how these actions were making me feel and most of the time he would turn the situation around on me blaming my mental health disorders and state how everything that was happening was in my mind and so because I truly thought that I loved him and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him I tried to remain strong and threw myself into work getting two jobs that I would work back to back outside of singing hoping that things would change but sadly they would only get worse which brings us to 2017.
I had been working almost constantly for well over a year at this point when one evening A disappeared to a friends house whom he would usually go to whenever I was in work, however, this time was different I wasn’t able to get a hold of him which was very rare as I was on my way home and wanted to know if he wanted anything from the fish and chip shop on the way and so I contacted his friend to learn that he wasn’t there and so my mind started to work overtime as I didn’t know where he was and once more he had lied to me and with just starting University the year previous I was struggling with time management so the time we would spend together was even more precious than before.
He wouldn’t come back for hours that night and when he did his face was solemn and so I obviously thought ‘Oh, He’s cheated on me’ but I couldn’t be more wrong and so I was very upset and angry when he asked me to take a seat and bare in mind this was early October at the time and so I did to learn that in the April he has lost his job and been arrested for something unthinkable before he went on to add how he was telling me before I found in the local newspaper of all things and so my gut instinct kicked in and I ran.. I ended things then and there and left I ended the whole relationship without a second thought, called off the wedding and went back home with my parents.
Obviously I was absolutely heartbroken and I honestly felt like at the time that I had lost everything I had ever wanted in life and so I closed myself off for a time thinking that things would get better soon enough as things couldn’t get much worse than they had done, however, I was completely wrong once again as within weeks of my whole world falling apart things would go from bad to worse….
It was October 30th, 2017 and I had decided to go to the local bingo hall with my mother after learning that there was going to be a psychic medium there that evening and because I was extremely down my mum wanted to do all she could do to distract me and make me feel better even if it was just for a few hours and so we had a lot of fun and went home where I would start to work on my university course as I did most evenings with having the day off when I started to hear arguing and screaming coming from the living room. This was a usual occurrence and it happened pretty much daily as my parents relationship had never been a happy one and so at first I thought nothing of it until I heard the door slam and my dad began to whale in tears which that was unusual.
Running down the stairs thinking something bad had happened such as a family death as the only time I had ever heard my Dad cry in that way was the evening we learnt that my Nanna had passed away I prepared for the worse but what had actually happened you see I could never have been prepared for as I learnt that after 32 years of being together my mother had confessed to kissing someone else the evening prior on a night out and had left my dad to seek divorce.. not knowing where my mother was or if she was safe I would call and something was off and for the next few months I would fall into a bout of overwhelming depression.
Getting myself out of that state of unending depression in the beginning of 2019 as I decided I would rise up and not let the issues that were out of my control get to me any longer I opened up and got myself some professional help to which I was diagnosed with yet another mental health disorder known as borderline personality disorder which helped me to understand whilst studying mental health disorders that year during my university study and how they impact the daily life of those diagnosed but that was when tragedy struck.
It was an early morning in March and at the time I was working away from home during the week and so I usually had to wake up around 5am in the morning to get to work in time, however, what started off like any normal day would turn into one of the worst days of my life. I had just had breakfast and was in the midst of getting washed and changed when my phone started to ring and by this time it was around 6am so, looking at the screen I noticed it was my mother calling which was extremely rare especially at that time of the morning and so I my instinct was telling me that something was seriously wrong and so I answered.
On the other side of the call my mothers voice sounded and the sound that came through made me feel sick to the pit of my stomach as all I could hear was her fighting back tears but also her boyfriend (now husband) screaming out in distress and so I asked her to take a deep breath because I couldn’t understand what she was saying and so she did a few moments later all I would hear was the words that will always stick with me ‘He’s gone.. he’s dead’. In a fit of panic because I just didn’t understand who she was referring to as my brother was home asleep and the only male I could think of on my mothers side was my uncle I was seriously confused because it had never crossed my mind once that we could lose who we did and so she went on to explain.
For respect of my family I will not be going into full details on what happened or using real names, however, I will explain the brief side of what happened to give you all some context.
You see since the end of the previous year my brother and I had taken the chance to meet my mothers new boyfriend and his two children to make the effort and we had all gotten close as it had been a while since my mother and father’s relationship ended and at the end of the year one of the children of my mother’s boyfriend had left England on an extended travel to another country for reasons I won’t disclose. He was due to travel for the best part of 4 months and just before the end of that period of time the call had happened and tragedy struck.
In the early hours of the morning there had been a terrible accident where a drunk driver collided with a van on the motorway, sadly there had been no survivors in this accident and my mother’s boyfriend’s son who was just 24 years old at the time was one of the lives taken. The sudden news and the shock truly set in and to be honest the next couple of months just seem to blur into a single time period that I can’t really tell what happened when they did because of it all because of the overwhelming grief and shock of what had happened so suddenly but all I do remember truly was beginning to realise how life was far to short and it was in that moment I decided to live life for the moment instead of for the long-term because it was now I truly realised that tomorrow is never guaranteed.
Things would go from bad to worse that year after within a few months of losing him my father was given the terminal diagnosis that he was suffering from both early-onset Alzheimer’s Disease and Vascular Dementia and that he had the most of 8 years left for his mind to be what it once was and a few months after that whilst I was truly processing everything going on in my life I also experienced my first death in person too. At a point where I felt like all hope was lost I truly was in a state of blanking out all of my feelings and emotions almost like I was wandering through my life and just existing instead of living because you see I have a mental health disorder that protects me from this sort of stress in life called Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder to which I don’t experience any sort of feelings or emotions during the switches which can last for years if not treated.
Towards the end of that year I finally started dating again but due to an ongoing issue that I will not discuss online for my own safety and well being and at the start things were fine, I travelled to London with one of my best friends and even though the holiday truly didn’t go to plan due to the early stages of the Covid-19 Pandemic I truly feel like we made the most of the holiday all things considered and then obviously the pandemic truly started to set in which was hard on everyone throughout the world, however, even though I wasn’t working due to the company being closed throughout this time I found comfort in something that would truly begin to change my life and because of that I also met some of the most important people in my life at present too…
When the government announced the national lockdown in England the very first time I didn’t really know much about what I was going to do with my time, as I had always been a very active and busy person from working full time to studying behind the scenes during my time off and not forgetting the countless performances that I would do locally on a weekly basis and so I was a little unsure of how to pass the time but with the type of person that I am I knew that I wanted to learn some new skills to really focus on my self improvement amongst other things.
I knew that I would still be studying my weekly studies for my degree each week but with so much spare time on my hands I decided not only to focus on my personal wellbeing like my health but also I decided to truly take some time for me and that is when I came across the tabletop game known as Dungeons and Dragons (D&D for short), I will warn you in advance that I won’t be going too much into D&D in this post and how it has changed my life for the better as I want to do a separate post about that in the future so stay tuned for that.
I had always heard of D&D but I had no idea where or how to play the game, living in the middle of nowhere definitely has its blessings but it’s burdens too and one of those burdens is that this sort of thing isn’t really common in my area as much as I am aware, however, I had been watching a YouTube channel by the name of Watcher which is ran by Ryan Bergera and Shane Madej who are the main hosts of BuzzFeed unsolved and during the first lockdown they had started to release videos of their mini dungeons and dragons game and it’s safe to say that the game intrigued me and so I purchased both the players handbook and the dungeon master’s guide to start my research and ended up falling down the rabbit hole.
Soon enough I would find myself joining my first campaign and ever since its safe to say I have been hooked completely and through my journey into Dungeons and Dragons I have also come across some of the most important people in my life from my co-host of the podcast, my best friends and so many many more and honestly this was the best change to ever happen in my life so far which I will explain in a future post but that brings us to the end of today’s post so in summary how much my life has changed is huge and I have overcome so much in such a short period of time that makes me realise just how strong that I am and if I can get through what I have you can to.
If you like what you have read today then please don’t forget to comment, like and follow for regular updates and let me know how your life has changed recently. If you have any questions or feedback feel free to ask in the comments and don’t forget to check out our social medias!
See you all on Sunday for another schooling sunday post ~ K.